I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
