I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
