Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
