His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
