i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
