I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
