my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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