You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
