Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
In other news, I just burned my penis
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
