she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
