If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
