Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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