I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
