I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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