The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
