In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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