I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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