I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
