Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
