I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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