So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
