awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
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