He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
