you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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