My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
