Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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