ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
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