so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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