It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
