dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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