I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have post one night stand depression
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
