i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
