This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
