What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Randomize
