A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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