I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
