and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
