If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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