Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
