forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i was born a porn star she said
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
