explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
