His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
