I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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