I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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