i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
