i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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