At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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