WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I'm passing your future prison.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
