I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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