Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just had sex bonerless
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
