as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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