First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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