you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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