we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
