new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
