I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
