I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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