i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
