so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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