I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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