it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
