Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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