I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
