lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
