I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
